


Somebody that I used to know

by marauders_assemble



Series: Marvel Femslash Bingo 2020 [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Lies, POV Maria Hill, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:29:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26905906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marauders_assemble/pseuds/marauders_assemble
Summary: The apparently sudden change in Natasha confused Maria. But then, she couldn’t say she knew a whole lot about her these days. Once upon a time, the two of them would have watched the whole party unfold from a quiet corner, commenting on the guests, and gone on to share a bottle of wine on either of their couches to chat until the wee hours of the morning. How could it have come to this?Or the one where Maria regrets the events of CATWS
Relationships: Maria Hill/Natasha Romanov
Series: Marvel Femslash Bingo 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1963177
Comments: 6
Kudos: 77





	Somebody that I used to know

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Marvel Femslash Bingo, prompt were "Used to know each other" and "Lying"
> 
> So as a Blackhill shipper, CATWS is very interesting to me and I wanted to explore their dynamic during that whole mess, Nat's reaction to it, Maria's feelings, so here's my take on it:) Hope you enjoy!
> 
> English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes

Stark parties, although not a rare occurrence, were amongst the most popular events in New York. Anybody who was anybody was assured to be there, and getting an invite was always considered an honour; by most people anyways.

Maria Hill was not one of those people. Observing the guests chatting amongst themselves, she would have rather been almost anywhere else. Her heels were killing her feet, the music was too loud, the room was packed with too many people making insignificant chit-chat. (No, she did NOT want to hear about the new mansion of yet another millionaire.)

Oh, how she missed SHIELD. There, standing on the deck of her helicarrier, analyzing her screens, barking orders at junior agents, planning for missions, she felt at home, knowing her place in the world and working alongside people she respected towards a common goal. Stark had been nice to take her under his wing to protect her from the inquisitive Congress, but most days, she felt like a fish out of water, especially in such occasions as this one. 

It had been a long time since she had felt this utterly  _ alone _ . Fury was off to God knew where, Coulson was busy re-establishing SHIELD underground, Sharon was still in DC for her new job, and Natasha…

“Hey, Hill, you okay? Don’t stand over there in the corner, come and join us!” Rhodey’s voice jarred her from her thoughts, keeping her from dwelling on why, exactly, Natasha wasn’t at her side these days. She plastered a smile on her lips and obligingly walked up to Rhodey, Helen Cho and Steve. She could stand them better than most people here, at least, even if Steve was a little cold. She ignored him and did her best to actually listen to Rhodey’s new War Machine story. 

Idly, she wondered how long it would be until courtesy permitted her to excuse herself and flee back to her apartment when the chatter seemed to die down as all eyes turned to the person who had just made her entrance. 

Natasha Romanoff was beautiful in the worst of circumstances, but tonight, she looked simply breathtaking. Her strapless emerald dress hugged her figure tightly, making her green eyes stand out. Her short wavy hair seemed aflame under the dimmed lights, a stark contrast with the cold chill which ran down Maria’s spine as Natasha’s gaze flitted over her briefly before passing on to someone else. Where there once would have been at least a twinkle of joy or a glint of relief, there was not even a flicker of recognition. For all Natasha cared, she could very well have been just another businesswoman amongst the crowd. Maria didn’t know which was worse: outright hostility or this horrible version of a silent treatment. (That was a lie, she knew perfectly well which was worse.) 

As people gradually went back to their conversations, the former Commander had to forcibly tear her eyes away from the other woman and fixate them on Rhodes, who had picked up his story. Yet, whatever she tried, her gaze kept being magnetically attracted to Natasha. She nodded absentmindedly in response to a comment Helen made, all the while striving to overhear what was being said a few metres away from her.

The redhead was currently talking to Bruce Banner. To Maria’s knowledge, the two didn’t have the best relationship; once, a few weeks after Loki and the Chitauri, the spy had confided that Banner’s … anger management problem terrified her. Yet, Natasha was laughing at something he said, lightly touching his arm, and the doctor seemed overjoyed with the attention. 

The apparently sudden change in Natasha confused Maria. But then, she couldn’t say she knew a whole lot about Natasha these days. Once upon a time, the two of them would have watched the whole party unfold from a quiet corner, commenting on the guests, and gone on to share a bottle of wine on either of their couches to chat until the wee hours of the morning. How could it have come to this?

* * *

A bleary-eyed Maria walked into the break room and headed directly for the kettle, fully expecting to be alone. Few agents were still up at this time of night, and it was highly unlikely that they would come to this tiny, remote room. Herself would rather have been sleeping soundly in her quarters, but after waking up screaming, she had found a change of air was much needed.

She had stumbled upon this place months before, after a similar episode, and it had become her haven for sleepless nights. It was always blissfully empty, a place to enjoy a cup of chamomile tea without the fear of a junior agent witnessing her state of unrest. 

She turned around, heading to her favourite couch, only to freeze in place. She blinked a couple of times, part of her thinking she was hallucinating, but no: there really was a tiny Russian assassin curled up on the sofa. Maria considered Romanoff’s dishevelled appearance, her red-rimmed eyes and her shaking hands, and wordlessly poured her a cup of the hot beverage. They sat silently for a few hours before returning to their quarters. The following day, both acted as if nothing had happened, but when Maria found tea packets on her bed that night, she knew exactly from whom they were.

* * *

“Really, Hill?” Maria chuckled at the outraged comment from the redhead sprawled on the couch in her office. They had come a long way since that first night in the helicarrier break room. They had shared a lot of drinks since then, starting from fortuitous nightly cups of tea, to morning coffee, glasses of wine over dinner, late-night whisky and vodka, and so many others.

Over time, they had grown accustomed to each other’s presence and, without ever mentioning it, had begun to hang out whenever they could. It wasn’t easy with their busy schedules, and sometimes involved Maria spending a few hours with Natasha in the medbay, or, as right then, Natasha lounging on Maria’s couch while she filled out paperwork. 

But apparently, when your friend came back from a long and taxing assignment undercover which included dealing on a daily basis with Tony Stark, saying that you had to finish something before properly celebrating their return did not go over too well.

“Alright, alright, I’m coming,” said Maria with a smirk. She tapped a couple more keys before closing her laptop and picking up her jacket. “So, do you feel like going to that fancy place we saw the other day?” 

“Ugh, I think I’ve been in enough fancy restaurants for the next ten years. Let’s go to your place and order takeout.” Maria hid her smile by opening the door. Why, exactly, was simply seeing Natasha enough to put her in a good mood, when her reputation as Icequeen had reached the confines of every single SHIELD outpost? (Nope, she was NOT going down that rabbit hole.) Fortunately, she was distracted by a certain redhead calling out to her to hurry. Her evening was definitely looking up.

* * *

Maria woke up to the sound of whimpers and panicked mutterings. Struggling to regain her bearings, she remembered: She and Natasha had passed out on her couch after bingeing Friends for hours. That was not how she had planned to spend her evening, but when she’d opened the door of her apartment to a Russian spy eating pizza in her living room, there was little she could do (after the initial shock, of course) except join her. 

They’d unconsciously snuggled closer to each other over the course of the night, and Natasha had ended up falling asleep with her head on her friend’s shoulder. How could Maria dislodge her after that? She’d carefully draped a blanket over the both of them and had obviously drifted off. 

Now, however, the redhead was thrashing and panting. Before Maria could decide on the right course of actions, she abruptly sat up and looked around wildly, clearly expecting an attack. 

“Nat?” Maria asked tentatively. “You okay?” Natasha’s head whipped around to fixate her eyes on her, and Maria was startled by the whirlwinds of emotions trapped in the green gaze. 

“Maria?” she said, her voice shaky. “Yeah, I’m—I’m fine. You can go back to sleep. Or go to your own bed, if you want. You’d be more comfortable.” Despite the redhead’s insistence, Maria could tell by the way she avoided her gaze and wrapped her arms tightly around her midsection that she needed her to stay, more than anything. Without uttering a word, she gently pulled her friend closer into her side, and after a moment’s hesitation, Natasha melted into her.

“Wanna talk about it?” she asked after a few minutes. “You don’t have to,” she clarified. 

“No, I do want to tell you—I—It’s just… Banner.” At that, Maria sighed. Since New York, they both had more frequent nightmares. She knew Nat had been more shaken by the Hulk’s attack than she cared to admit to anyone. She simply nodded and hugged her friend closer, wishing she could take all the redhead’s troubles upon herself. 

* * *

When the heart monitor flatlined, Maria felt her insides freeze. She’d known it was a probable occurrence at that point; it had to be done. Rationally, she understood that this was only the effect of the drug, that Fury’s chances of survival were good. Even so, she couldn’t shake the feeling that something would go horribly wrong. 

Sensing Natasha slowly crumbling beside her, without being able to tell her what was going on, was one of the worst things she had ever had to endure. When she heard her whisper “Don’t do this to me, Nick,” she felt her heart break. The usually so confident and unflappable spy was visibly trembling and struggling to hold it together, and she wished more than anything that she could hold her and reassure her that everything would be okay. But she couldn’t, could she? Because that would inevitably lead her to unpack everything she had been keeping from her for too long now, and she had given her word to Fury. So when the urge became too strong, she walked away, every step feeling like a stab to the heart. 

Entering the room where Fury’s “corpse” was resting only to see Natasha at his head, staring numbly at the body, was no easier. She was this close to revealing everything to her friend, oaths be damned. The only thing preventing her from doing so was Steve’s presence. She quietly said she had to take him away and watched Steve do what she should have been doing, ushering Natasha away. Except, while she would probably have followed Maria without too much trouble, she stormed out of the room when it was Steve that called out her name. The look of hurt she flashed Maria before leaving cut deep in her soul.

After the two heroes departed, she leaned heavily on the wall, burying her face in her hands and taking a few moments to gather herself. She took a few deep breaths, willing her thoughts away from the redhead and on the task at hand, but only partially succeeding.

* * *

Zapping the Hydra agent settled next to her provided Maria with a much needed, albeit short-lived, relief. She had been sitting far too long with that fascist traitor, reduced to helplessness while her… (Her what? What were they, exactly?) … while Natasha was bleeding out in front of her. She’d been waiting for an opportunity for quite some time, and the new guy’s comment supplied her with exactly that. The thud he made when he fell to the floor was extremely satisfying. 

However, when she raised her gaze to peer at the redhead, the satisfaction was quickly replaced with concern. The amount of blood on the spy’s jacket was impressive, but she’d seen worse. No, what really worried her was Nat’s empty gaze. She looked so numb and so … lost. Like she couldn’t quite keep up with what was happening. For the former assassin, trained from early childhood to always be aware of everything, it was not a good sign. The only times she had seen her this way was during her first months at SHIELD when she was still figuring out who she was. She tried humour to relax herself more than the others, asked about the new guy (Who was she kidding? Of course she knew who he was; you didn’t become Deputy Director of a secret intergovernmental agency without learning to plan ahead, and Sam Wilson had been on her radar for weeks.) and hurried to get them out of there.

* * *

She couldn’t look at Natasha. As the door opened, revealing a convalescing Fury, she kept her gaze straight ahead, avoiding the look of betrayal she knew she would find on the redhead’s face. She settled in the room as Fury enumerated his injuries, a laundry list she had learned by heart. (All of those could have been fatal; she had prayed that they were not for many hours to anyone, or anything, who might be listening.) In the corner of her eye, she could make out the doctor tending to Natasha. She was surprised the spy was letting him do his job; she had more than once tended to her friend’s injuries herself because she wouldn’t let anybody else get close. 

Steve’s question drew her out of her head. “Why all the secrecy? Why not just tell us?” 

She had an answer ready the moment he stopped talking. Of course she had. She had argued over it with Nick long enough herself. “Any attempt on the director’s life had to look successful.” She kept her tone even, a stark contrast with the turmoil happening inside her heart. 

At Fury’s “I wasn’t sure who to trust”, she sneaked a glance towards Natasha and was immediately reminded of why she hadn’t been looking in the first place. It seemed that the blood loss combined with the day’s events had lowered her defences, because there was no way in hell the spy would have let anyone see the expression of sheer hurt that passed through her eyes otherwise. However, Maria caught it, and it pierced through her heart like an ice shard. At that moment, despite everything they’d been through together, she could have throttled Fury for making her an accomplice in this deception.

* * *

The flurry of events that followed the fall of SHIELD left Maria winded and feeling as if she could sleep for a week straight. (No, scratch that, a month.) She had been hounded by Congress members for days, had to avoid the reporters who were sure to show up everywhere she went and had barely had time to shower between the infinite tasks lining up ahead of her.

But that wasn’t even the worst of it. No, all of this was not much worse than what she had to deal with at SHIELD. (She would NOT miss the WSC.) The worst of it all had been sharing a silent elevator ride with Natasha, where the redhead didn’t even acknowledge her presence. The empty look, right before they parted ways, had been when she knew, for sure, that she had well and truly lost the single most important person in her life. 

Still, when she had to learn by Steve that Nat had gone to the ground (not that she was surprised), it hurt. A lot. Even more so because she knew she ultimately was the one responsible, not anyone else.

* * *

And now… Well, it was the first time she had come face to face with the redhead since she left. She hadn’t even known she was back in town, although she still sometimes received news via Steve. Every time, she got the same strange feeling: She felt like she could breathe again, because Natasha was safe. However, at the same time, a lump formed in her throat at the thought that her (former) best friend would rather update a man she had known little more than two years than her, who had been by her side since she joined SHIELD. 

Suddenly, it was all too much. Her heart thundered in her ears, the chatter was becoming deafening, her dress was too tight, there were too many people everywhere for her to be able to breathe properly. She quickly excused herself and made a beeline for a hidden balcony, where nobody would think to look for her. 

She gripped the railway so hard her knuckles went white and gasped out for what seemed like hours, but were probably only minutes, with only the stars and the lights of the city below her as witness, trying desperately to slow down the whirlwind of her mind. A sob bubbled up in her throat, threatening to come out, but she somehow tamped it down, refusing to lose her composure here of all places, where anyone could see her. The fresh air of the night helped calm her and, eventually, she was able to take a few long, deep, steadying breaths. She uncurled her shaking fingers from around the guardrail and wiped a hand across her face, makeup be damned. She briefly thought about going back, but she had had enough of those attacks in the previous few months to know that the last thing she needed right now was a noisy room full of arrogant, intoxicated people.

As she wondered if JARVIS would help her get out without having to pass the reporters and the rest of the partygoers, the sound of the door opening startled her. She whipped around and tensed further when she saw the stunning redhead in front of her. They stood frozen for a few seconds, both equally surprised to find the other there, before Maria blurted out: “I’m sorry.” She closed her eyes briefly and gulped, trying to organize her thoughts. “I, um… I’m so, so sorry, and it doesn’t even begin to cover it, but I… I fucked up. Royally. And I’d do anything to take it back, anything. You’re, fuck, you’re the most important person in my life, and I… I can’t believe I lost you. It would really mean so much to me if you’d just … hear me out? Then you can go if you want, I won’t stop you, but please, let me try to explain first?” 

With each sentence, Natasha took a step back, and the brunette could see briefly the storm brewing in her eyes before the mask slipped back in place. However, there were still cracks in it, and for the first time in months, Maria had a shred of hope. It all immediately crumbled when Natasha turned away and fled towards the door. “Nat,” Maria called out, and even she could hear the despair in her own voice. The spy froze, already one foot out the door, but didn’t turn back. “Please.” The brunette’s voice cracked on the last word, that single little world through which she tried to communicate everything she couldn’t say. 

After a moment, Natasha shook her head and sped into the hallway, leaving Maria alone with the shattered pieces of her heart and the memories of somebody she used to know.

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated! You can come yell at me on tumblr at https://www.tumblr.com/blog/agentmaraudersassemble


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